An Open Letter To Blaine ‘Sunshine’ Gabbert

Ed The Sports Fan, Football — By on August 20, 2012 at 1:00 am


Dear Sunshine,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you Sunshine. You know Sunshine, right? Ronnie Bass from Remember the Titans? The California Kid with the slingshot arm? The young man with an eclectic personality? I’m sure you’ve heard of him, because when you first came to my Jacksonville Jaguars in 2011 with the shoulder-length hair, you resembled him to a tee. Sure you weren’t from California, but hey … maybe you’d play the quarterback position like some of the other prestigious quarterbacks from the left coast.

You know … Sir Thomas Brady. Aaron “Discount Double-Check” Rodgers. Those guys.

Unfortunately, we all saw how your rookie season went. I’m not going to rehash this with you. You were there. You know how it went. It didn’t go well for anyone involved.

However, I’m still in your corner, and if a few things happen here and there then things can improve for our Jaguars. I promise. Hear me out on a few things.

1. Don’t worry about Maurice Jones-Drew … at all. Look, man. I love MJD to death. He’s going to surpass Fred Taylor as the greatest running back of our franchise if he ever decides to return to the organization, but at this point, he’s dead to all of us. I mean that with no disrespect. MJD, for as great as he is (the No. 2 tailback in the league), wasn’t going to prevent us from picking in the top 10 in the 2013 draft. The only one that can prevent us from doing that is you, Sunshine. Yes, making MJD’s stats look awesome with all the checkdown throws out of the backfield made him a fantasy football goon, but those are not helping you. You’ve got to look down the field. Speaking of which …

2. About this looking fucking terrified in the pocket thing … stop. Part of me doesn’t blame you one bit. The Jaguars offensive line ain’t exactly the ’93 Dallas Cowboys and our receivers ain’t exactly the ’99 Minnesota Vikings. I get it. However, do us all a favor and just sling the pigskin down the field. No, I’m serious. Just take a 7-step drop and throw the ball as far as humanly possible. If there’s a receiver in the area, that’s gravy. Hell, I don’t really care if you throw it out of bounds; slang that pill, fam. Seeing 8-9 men in the box every time the Jaguars line up for a play is terrifying, and I’m only watching on television. Oh, and you might have some help coming. So here’s a piece of advice …

3. Throw Justin Blackmon the ball like his life depends on it. Because, in reality, it does. I love Justin Blackmon. I know his kinfolk in Ardmore, Oklahoma. I’ve followed him since he was the understudy of Dez Bryant at Oklahoma State. The man is immensely talented and is capable of having a phenomenal career in the NFL. However, because the man has been known to drink on occasion, I need you to throw him the ball every single time. Why? If you throw him the ball 20 times a game, he’ll catch 12-15 of them. That’s good for you. That also means that he’ll be so sore and tired that the man won’t want to pick up that devil’s drank (h/t to Ken) anytime soon. That’s even better for you. Justin Blackmon’s here to make your life easier, and in a weird way, you’ll make his life better as well.

E. Maisonet, III

Eddie Maisonet is an appreciator of the ultimate reality show that is sports.

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    13 Comments

  • Joe Dougherty says:

    Have faith in Sunshine, brother. Watch the tape from the two preseason games. This guy isn’t afraid. The way I see it (and I’m just a pudgy, 57-year-old soon-to-be grandfather and Jaguar fan), anyone who faced the kind of heat dude faced last season would have that look, too. Please note the expression on the grille of the Super Bowl MVP in the week 1 preseason game against Jacksonville:

    http://www.newstimes.com/sports/article/Giants-to-decide-in-fall-on-future-Albany-camps-3784593.php

    Sunshine has coaching now. He’s had a full off season now. He knows the job is his now. I’m not predicting playoffs or anything, but Jacksonville is going to have a much better year in 2012. And Blackmon is a beast, something we haven’t had in a while.

    By the way, for historical purposes, you might be interested in knowing that Gabbert is the second “Sunshine” to wear the teal. Nick Sorensen has that nickname when he played here a few years ago (he was a big fan favorite).Some folks here called Gabbert that last season. With the new haircut and the better play, they may have to start calling him Mr. Sunshine.

    • Bro. Joe, First off thanks for the words. I’ll say that this letter is probably a tad harsh and meant to be comedic, but you are absolutely right with his first two preseason games. He’s looked leaps and bounds of where he was last year and it does give me hope. Blackmon might be the savior for Gabbert, and while I wasn’t geeked about Mularkey, he can coach up a QB.

      As far as Nick Sorensen is concerned, he could never be Sunshine because he could never make that pitch. LOL

      -Ed.

  • JAG says:

    I’m with the Rev on this one. I’ve seen nothing from Gabbert that gives me any hope and preseason games won’t be enough to change my mind. Maybe he’ll prove me wrong.

    We may have a real life “Major League” here. A few more 4 and 5 win seasons and the Jaguar fans will help this team load up the moving trucks and head for LA.

    • Jagsfan says:

      You’ve seen nothing? Well that’s obvious there slick. The team is not going to LA, I can list 3 teams that are more likely to end up in LA than Jacksonville. In no particular order 1. San Diego, 2. St. Louis, 3. Oakland. You could make arguments for Buffalo as well. The team has not had a blackout in 2+ years, season ticket sales are at an all time high and the team is on the rise… sorry but those things dont equate to a team in jeopardy of moving to LA…. the city that has already lost 2 NFL teams over the years. Have fun competing with the Lakers and for the love of everything please drop that tired ass lazy “there moving to LA” garbage. Maybe if you 2 sat down and watched the games Gabbert has shown poise in the pocket, delivered strikes down field while getting blasted and has a 135 QB rating. Going against the 1′s of the defending SB champs and NO which is always a favorite to win the NFC/SB.

  • JAG says:

    Dost thou protest too much? I meant no offense, sir. I’m just giving you a friendly warning from experience. Facing vanilla defenses in preseason is not the same as winning when they count. If it was, then Akili Smith would have just lead my Bengals to a fourth Super Bowl Title. Glad to hear attendance is improving. Perhaps this year they’ll remove the tarp and play in front of a true NFL crowd. Like I said, maybe he’ll prove me wrong. Good luck.

  • B. Long says:

    Haha Im crying at this…shows the desperate yet hopeful fan that lives in all of us….

  • JT says:

    I rocks with this letter.Blaine will.have to show me he’s legit during the season, the preseason means nothing for the people who are uber excited about two games for a series or two..
    As Tommy Kelly called Kolb “Skittish ” it applies to Blaine until proven otherwise ..

    • Jagsfan84 says:

      So I guess taking hits in the pocket and making plays down the field during the preseason is fake? Of course the regular season is the only thing that matters, but to sit here an say there has been no improvement on Gabberts part this offseason / preseason is just being ignorant. Nobody is proclaiming him to be the next Aaron Rodgers. And to still call him skittish….you apparently did not watch the game Friday night. Taking shots and completing passes in the pocket is the same weather its in a preseason game, regular season game or post season game. The tarps arent coming off anytime soon, Everbank Field is the 4th largest stadium in the NFL servicing one of the smallest markets. The reason the stadium is so large is to host the Gator Bowl and the Florida Georgia game every year.

      • First off, I applaud @JagsFan84 for standing up to these brutes and ruffians in the comments section. Everything he’s saying about the stadium, the tarps, the blackouts and attendance is correct. Its one of the more misleading stories in the NFL right now, but no one cares about debunking the myth outside of the Jaguars and their fans.

        As far as Blaine is concerned, he’s in show and prove mode in year two. He’s got a coach who’s proven to be able to help QB’s mature in Mularkey, and for Jags fans that’s all you can ask for. Will the Jags make a run at the playoffs, remove the tarps and become the buzz of the league again like they were from ’97-99 and ’04-07? Not yet, but you’ve got to start somewhere.

        Its the gift and the curse of the NFL. If you’re not winning then its really hard to be relevant, the Jaguars more than ever must start winning to be taken serious in the league. Its the plight of being a small-market franchise. Ask Green Bay about life before Favre in the 1980′s.

  • FRED GABBARD says:

    We are in the same family tree, even tho are names are a little different, good luck in the 2013-14 season
    Fred Gabbard

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