An Open Letter To Blaine ‘Sunshine’ GabbertEd The Sports Fan, Football — By E. Maisonet, III on August 20, 2012 at 1:00 am
I hope you don’t mind me calling you Sunshine. You know Sunshine, right? Ronnie Bass from Remember the Titans? The California Kid with the slingshot arm? The young man with an eclectic personality? I’m sure you’ve heard of him, because when you first came to my Jacksonville Jaguars in 2011 with the shoulder-length hair, you resembled him to a tee. Sure you weren’t from California, but hey … maybe you’d play the quarterback position like some of the other prestigious quarterbacks from the left coast.
You know … Sir Thomas Brady. Aaron “Discount Double-Check” Rodgers. Those guys.
Unfortunately, we all saw how your rookie season went. I’m not going to rehash this with you. You were there. You know how it went. It didn’t go well for anyone involved.
However, I’m still in your corner, and if a few things happen here and there then things can improve for our Jaguars. I promise. Hear me out on a few things.
1. Don’t worry about Maurice Jones-Drew … at all. Look, man. I love MJD to death. He’s going to surpass Fred Taylor as the greatest running back of our franchise if he ever decides to return to the organization, but at this point, he’s dead to all of us. I mean that with no disrespect. MJD, for as great as he is (the No. 2 tailback in the league), wasn’t going to prevent us from picking in the top 10 in the 2013 draft. The only one that can prevent us from doing that is you, Sunshine. Yes, making MJD’s stats look awesome with all the checkdown throws out of the backfield made him a fantasy football goon, but those are not helping you. You’ve got to look down the field. Speaking of which …
2. About this looking fucking terrified in the pocket thing … stop. Part of me doesn’t blame you one bit. The Jaguars offensive line ain’t exactly the ’93 Dallas Cowboys and our receivers ain’t exactly the ’99 Minnesota Vikings. I get it. However, do us all a favor and just sling the pigskin down the field. No, I’m serious. Just take a 7-step drop and throw the ball as far as humanly possible. If there’s a receiver in the area, that’s gravy. Hell, I don’t really care if you throw it out of bounds; slang that pill, fam. Seeing 8-9 men in the box every time the Jaguars line up for a play is terrifying, and I’m only watching on television. Oh, and you might have some help coming. So here’s a piece of advice …
3. Throw Justin Blackmon the ball like his life depends on it. Because, in reality, it does. I love Justin Blackmon. I know his kinfolk in Ardmore, Oklahoma. I’ve followed him since he was the understudy of Dez Bryant at Oklahoma State. The man is immensely talented and is capable of having a phenomenal career in the NFL. However, because the man has been known to drink on occasion, I need you to throw him the ball every single time. Why? If you throw him the ball 20 times a game, he’ll catch 12-15 of them. That’s good for you. That also means that he’ll be so sore and tired that the man won’t want to pick up that devil’s drank (h/t to Ken) anytime soon. That’s even better for you. Justin Blackmon’s here to make your life easier, and in a weird way, you’ll make his life better as well.