Luis Suarez Is Clearly A Vampire And We Simply Weren’t Paying Enough Attention

Ed The Sports Fan, Soccer — By on June 24, 2014 at 3:14 pm

suarez teeth

For a moment there, Luis Suarez’s brilliance was going to overlap my hate for a man that might’ve been built up over a few random events that I deemed very racist.

Suarez, the Uruguayan and Liverpool striker extraordinaire, is so friggin’ good. He’s brilliant in a way that makes you believe that some people are just put on this earth to play the game. Everything seems fluid when he moves. He’s always in the right place at the right time, and he hardly ever looks like he’s actually trying hard. At times, he’s really poetry in motion.

But then I reflect and remember that Suarez served that eight-game suspension for calling Patrice Evra outside his name. Then I remember the non-handshake with Evra and shrugging off his hand while walking the line. My rage regenerates. Even when Suarez tried to hop on the “We’re All Monkeys” campaign by chomping on a banana, I simply didn’t believe him. Sports Illustrated even did a full-length feature on Uruguay’s #9, and he came out and said his grandfather was black, which left me even more confused. Then I remember that he likes to chomp on human flesh, first in Holland four years ago and in England last year. With that, I’m like, “What in the entire fuck?”

I don’t have many people I hate, but Suarez had been steadily climbing up my hate power rankings for a few years.

Suarez Bite: H/T @Deadspin - Greg Howard

So who do I see trying to munch on Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder meat during a pivotal game between Uruguay and Italy? OF COURSE, LUIS “I HELPED BUILD THE BEAVER DAM” SUAREZ. I mean, good grief. What is wrong with this man? Look at those teeth? They’re just meant for gnawing on human flesh, aren’t they? It’s like he’s part vampire and part beaver, whose only three jobs on earth are to score goals, be racist and eat people.

Look, there’s a chance that Italy maybe, just maybe, deserved this a little bit. Because, you know, it’s not cool to try and break someone’s leg in the middle of a match. Evidently, Suarez biting people is so much of a thing that someone compiled all the times Suarez has bitten people. Mike Tyson would be proud.

The fact that you can actually bet on Suarez biting people is even more awful in a hilarious way. And someone did, at 174-to-1 odds. Cash out! (H/T to @DannyLeroux) My mama told me that I should never hate somebody, but I need to call my mama and tell her about Luis Suarez. I think she’d understand.

Eddie Maisonet, III

Eddie Maisonet is a connoisseur of the ultimate reality show that is sports.

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