Starting Lineups: The Oklahoma Sooners Are The Flawed Girlfriend That I Hate To Love

Ed The Sports Fan, Football — By on September 3, 2012 at 12:01 am


I pride myself on being a rational guy when it comes to sports and such. Usually, I can consume what I see for what it is and try not to overreact. Everything in life is all about perspective.

Unless it’s about my Oklahoma Sooners. I melt down like Lindsay Lohan does when life smacks her in the face.

Anyway, last night I got on my computer after Oklahoma won an abysmal game 24-7 versus UTEP on Saturday night. Oklahoma played putrid, the Oklahoma offense looked like they just met each other five minutes ago, and the middle of the defense looked like Moses parted it for UTEP’s running backs to run through. Oh, and UTEP had magical mustard. This caused me to just start typing. It was late at night. I’d been drinking Crown Royal. I started comparing my favorite football team to a woman. I can’t make this stuff up. Pray for me y’all.

The Oklahoma Sooners football team has turned into the girlfriend that is fine as hell but comes with a few problems. Namely, she has a smoking problem, she farts at inopportune moments and invariably has a drinking problem.

90% of the time, none of this is an issue. You can get past the ashtray breath (lack of a consistent running game) because you like to smoke a cigar from time to time and she never complains about your breath, so you keep it moving. Besides, she’s fine as hell, right?

Then you happen to have a house party and invite friends over. Your boys, who are excited to hear about this new woman you got, are waiting to see who’s been hoarding all of your time. They’ve heard how beautiful she is, and then when they see her, they totally understand why you don’t come out the house. Unfortunately, midway through the night, she forgot she ate too much cheese dip and lets out an egregious fart in front of all your boys. (OU vs. UTEP in ’12, OU vs. Utah St. in ’10, OU vs. Cincy in ’10.) For the next week, you gotta hear about your chick passing gas that smelled like spoiled milk and act like it never happened.

Finally, you have a company event and you decide to bring your woman out. Your boss is there and you’re up for a promotion. A little schmoozing here and there, and you’ll be a shoe-in for the new gig. At this event there just so happens to be an open bar, and your woman takes full advantage. You go to the little boys room for a minute, and you come back to see your woman propositioning your boss for a “promotion.” About that promotion? Yep, down the drains. (Every loss OU suffers in the Big 12 schedule that they have no business losing.)

In all honesty, you may end up wifing the woman for obvious reasons. She’s fine as hell. Makes good money. Knows where your “spot” is and makes a mean steak sandwich. Yet, you marry her knowing who she is and who she isn’t. When she messes up, it’s not even a surprise anymore. You just manage the damage and move on. This is how I feel about Bob Stoops and the Oklahoma Sooners. I love Boomer Sooner, but man she can be a real piece sometimes.

Sigh … here’s your pertinent reading material for Labor Day. Enjoy.
1996 began the rise of Master P. 1997 cemented him. In September 1997, his most lauded album broke through with an Eric B. & Rakim sample for the opener, made “Brandy” by The O’Jay’s a tribute song for his fallen brother Kevin and made tanks and camo jerseys sought after hip-hop apparel. Yes, Percy Miller, hip-hop’s first $100 million dollar man who did things his own way discovered Ghetto Dope and taught America how to cook crack like it was absolutely nothing.
Between 1964 and 1967, Gilligan’s Island ran for 96 episodes on CBS. One may find it hard to believe that Bob Denver was only stranded on the island with his crew of castaways for three seasons when it seemed so much longer. The fact that every episode, almost to a tee, followed the same plotline probably was the major contributing factor to it feeling like there were hundreds of episodes of the show. In many ways the WWE’s flagship show, Monday Night Raw, is starting to feel like a newly unearthed episode of Gilligan’s Island every week, and that isn’t a good thing when it comes to viewers or the promotion.
America has a way of forgiving who it wants when it wants. Recently, this has crossed over into the sports realm with the rise in use of performance enhancing drugs. Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Andy Petitte, Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong have been linked to PEDs over the years. McGwire, Petitte and Clemens are all back in baseball without fuss or muss. Hell, Pete Rose’s chances of making the hall have improved. Will that change if Bonds decides to re-enter the game?
You aren’t going to believe this, but those glasses without lenses that Russell Westbrook doesn’t even need started out as just him messing around with dressing silly for fun.
Even though Howard is now donning purple and gold, though, the superstar center is still (seemingly) holding the city of Orlando close to his heart. On Sunday, he took out a full-page advertisement in the Orlando Sentinel, thanking Magic fans for their undying love and support through eight memorable seasons.

Eddie Maisonet, III

Eddie Maisonet is an appreciator of the ultimate reality show that is sports.

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    6 Comments

  • DB says:

    At least you did not have to stay up after midnight to finish watching that abysmal game.

  • well at least they didnt get their heart eaten like my boys U-M did… after watching that debacle (I refuse to call it a game) the million dollar question rang through my head; are you better served scheduling lower tiered competition during the non-conference schedule and let it serve as your preseason or do you come out the box playing a national champion contender and hope your team is ready for a street fight.

    So many U-M “fans” didnt want to play that game but I figure hey “if you want to be the man you got the beat the man” whoooo and other than them losing their best corner for the season, this game will prepare them the rest of the season because NO ONE on their schedule will present that much of a juggernaut like Bama did.

    but back to OU i wish i could have seen more of that game because they have been one of the baffling programs over the past 2-3 years. they have the talent so what is missing; could it be that since a large amount of their players are from the texas area that they too are falling prey to the “texas high school football player” ceiling like the longhorns (too many players maxing out their talent potential before they reach college)

    i know some pundits were calling for them to be one of the few teams that could compete with the SEC champion (along with USC) but if they dont get the ship righted quickly they will be another speed bump to the 8th championship for that conference

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