Today’s Obituaries: The Los Angeles Lakers Casual Fan Base (1960-2011)Basketball, Ed The Sports Fan — By E. Maisonet, III on December 20, 2011 at 11:24 am
The Los Angeles Lakers casual fan base, 51, passed away on Monday, December 19th, 2011. The casual fan base began in earnest with Hall of Famers, Elgin Baylor, Jerry West and Wilt Chamberlain. The eternal casual fan base flame was lit when the Lakers won their first title in Los Angeles in 1972. In the 1980′s, the Lakers won five championships in a nine-year span. This team featured Hall of Famers in Johnson, Abdul-Jabbar and James Worthy, and a Hall of Fame coach, Pat Riley. Then in the 2000′s, led by O’Neal, Bryant and another Hall of Fame coach, Phil Jackson, Los Angeles won three consecutive titles between 2000 to 2002, securing the franchise its first “three-peat.” The Lakers won two more championships by defeating the Orlando Magic in 2009 and Boston in 2010.
However, witnesses have made statements to authorities that they saw the Los Angeles Clippers steal the souls of every casual Lakers fan in existence while in the Staples Center on Monday night. Shrieks were heard from women, babies cried and a few men’s heads exploded.
In one ferocious drop-step and dunk on two seven-footers, DeAndre Jordan had converted more souls to Clipperism than televangelist Billy Graham ever could on a Sunday. *see video above*
Sources say that Lakers fans began taking off their jerseys in the arena, threw them in the trash and began urinating on them, en masse. Other “more hardcore” Lakers fans could only look on in disgust. Their fear of their inter-arena rival actually becoming a viable threat for citywide supremacy could only be trumped by the thought that had been in everyone’s head for years on for anyone who had been a fan of the Lakers.
That there have always been a large number of Lakers fans that are frontrunners, bandwagoners and leeches.
One report stated that hardcore Lakers fans stood on soapboxes outside the arena preaching the Lakers gospel that the Lakers would one day rise again. They noted that the Clippers have never been able to sustain success since they came from San Diego in 1984. Some notable quotables:
“Chris Paul has the same knee injury as Brandon Roy!”
“Blake Griffin blew out his kneecap before he could even step on the court. It’ll happen again!”
“The Clippers head coach is Vinny Del Negro for Christ sakes!”
“The Clippers owner is Donald Sterling for Christ sakes!”
Witnesses say that they saw Kobe Bryant leave the Staples Center within ten minutes of the game ending, hop in his Bentley Continental GT Coupe towards a private airport nearby, hop on a jet and spend his life away in Vegas for a few days. Andrew Bynum reportedly had ice on both of his knees and played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 at his locker for hours, refusing to take his headphones off. Pau Gasol was seen muttering in Spanish while calling his brother Marc, seeing if there was any chance he could return to Memphis. Mike Brown looked at his team with a crazed look on his face, and repeatedly yelled, “THIS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO CLEVELAND!”
Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan were out signing autographs for a full hour after the game, Chris Paul and Chauncey Billups went to a local In-N-Out Burger and bought burgers for everybody inside and just hung out. Donald Sterling, Del Negro and GM Neil Olshey evidently went to the hood in Watts and Compton with a van full of turkeys, as Sterling got his Nino Brown on, Christmas-style, with the kids and old folks in the neighborhood.
In New Orleans, it was reported that Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman and Al-Farouq Aminu went to visit a lady named “Miss Cleo,” in hopes of creating a Voodoo Doll of Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, Donald Sterling and David J. Stern.
If you see a Lakers’ fan today, console them and let them know to stay true to their team. Their fandom will ultimately be appreciated in this trying time as their casual fan base has gone into oblivion.