Residual Chicks, Drake And The Potential Struggles Of The Toronto Raptors

Basketball, Et cetera, The Fam — By on November 1, 2013 at 12:07 pm

drake toronto raptors damon stoudamire jersey

By K.J. Kearney / @h1gher

Drake is popular. Drake is also from Toronto. The Raptors from Toronto but they are not very popular.

Maybe if we show everyone we’re cool with Drizzy, that’ll change.”

This seems to be the thinking of the only NBA team based in the Great White North—if we hang with Drake at least we’ll get people to look at us! That’s as silly as hanging out with your homeboy that bags hella chicks because you think that’ll help improve your capture ratio. Just because HE’s swimming in booty doesn’t mean that you’re going to get some residual action. Besides, the whole “leftover girls” thing doesn’t work in real life. Now I don’t have scientific proof or any concrete statistics but I’m fair confident that you won’t be able to dispute my claim.

So anyway, in case you are unfamiliar, Drake is now the Global Ambassador for the Toronto Raptors.

In addition to trying to give the team cool point via Osmosis, Drake will be responsible for “spreading the gospel” of Raptors basketball (WTF!?!) and rebranding the team…a la’ Jay Z with the Brooklyn Nets. Let me just say on record—that this is NOT going to work—at all.

But before I get into WHY I don’t think it’ll work, let me say some positive things about why this MIGHT actually pan out; ultimately making me eat crow in the process…

Steve Nash is Canadian. “SO? He’s too old to matter” you say? True.

Well Andrew Wiggins is Canadian. The University of Kansas basketball player was the top college basketball recruit in 2013 and is considered the favorite to be selected with the top pick in the 2014 NBA Draft (HURRAY FOR CANADA!). And while hockey will probably always be the Country’s first love, the accessibility and feasibility of basketball (do you know how much it cost to outfit a kid in full hockey regalia!?!) is making it VERY POPULAR with today’s Canadian youth. Hence the sport’s increased appeal AND participation in this country.

Know what else is getting very popular in Canada? Hip-hop. Of course Drake will forever be touted as the poster boy for Canadian success in rap but others like PARTYNEXTDOOR and The Weeknd have made impacts in the game that should not be overlooked. OH, and don’t forget my favorite, or should I say favourite (the “u” makes it Canadian) jazz hip-hop trio BadBadNotBadGood. They’re blowing up too! Now if there is any sport that screams “hip-hop” it’s hockey basketball. So the marriage between the two, ushered by Drake, is a seemingly match made in heaven.

But let’s go back to the “residual chicks” theory to explain why, in my opinion, this won’t work. You can’t bag your good looking homie’s leftovers for three reasons:

  1. THERE ARE NEVER ANY LEFTOVER CHICKS TO BE HAD! Seriously, you ever see a dude have a stable of stallions so full that he’s just like “Dude, I can’t possibly satisfy all these women! You gotta help me out—HERE—take her. She’s cute right?” No you haven’t. Because men are savages and the only thing that stops said savagery is old age and/or finding “the one”. Other than that, it’s full court press all day!

  2. MUST I REMIND YOU THAT UNLIKE DUDES, WOMEN ARE INTO SETTLING! Especially ones with the confidence to get with the most desirable man in the room. No way that lady is going to let that tight dress and red bottoms go to waste by going home with the Weed Carrier just because she couldn’t get with the Boss. Now, dudes will shoot for the 10, miss, and settle for the 4. Again, for most of us, it’s about savagery. But for her, it’s about the fantasy of being with the Big Man on Campus. Hooking up with the BMoC’s cousin just doesn’t do it for her.

  3. YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT! The “residual chicks” thing never works out because YOU JUST DON’T GET IT YOU MORON! You may get some play because you’re hanging with the BMoC, that is to say, a couple young ladies may look your way on some ol’ “Hmmm, if he’s cool enough to be with (INSERT DESIRBLE MAN’S NAME) then maybe—just maybe—there is something to this other guy…”  But more often than not, you’re going to screw the pooch when you open your mouth. Because when she DOES give you the time of day, she’s going to realize why you’re just the hanger-on and not anyone of importance. You’re just not bringing anything to the table and because of that, she’ll never be into you.

It’s these three reasons why this whole Raptors/Drake experiment is going to fail. Yes, the Toronto Raptors are going to get more interest. I mean, I’ve come out of my blogging hiatus to WRITE WORDS ABOUT THE TORONTO RAPTORS!

And yes, Drake is going to get the Raptors in front of a demographic of people they couldn’t get on their own. And some of those people may even become fans (of varying degrees) of the Raptors.

But what’s going to happen is that the Raptors are going to open their mouth (start playing basketball), insert foot (start losing…again), and remove all doubt that this friendship between them and Drake is just for show.

WHICH WILL MAKE THEM LOOKING LIKE POSERS AND NO ONE WANTS TO HANG WITH POSERS!

If the Raptors want gain fans and influence businesses they need to do like the Boise States, the Oregons, the Oklahoma States, and the South Carolinas of the world and win some damn games. New jerseys helped get them on our televisions but WINNING has kept them there. At the end of the day people don’t back professional sports teams because of shiny jerseys, they do so because EVERYONE LOVES A WINNER. If the Toronto Raptors management is serious about improving their fate, they should invest in player development, improved facilities, and all the other things that matter to grown ass men that get paid to play basketball for a living* (see Dallas Mavericks, Seattle Seahawks, Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets).

Otherwise, the Raptors will be in the same exact position five years from now only this time they’ll be known not only for a losing environment and culture but for paying to make people think they’re important. That’s like the dude that hires an escort to accompany him to his high school reunion so he looks like he’s winning in life.

But in the wise words of the new Global Brand Ambassador for the Toronto Raptors, “You only live once…” so I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Even if that includes faking it until you make it.

*The Raptors DID hire Masai Uriji away from the Denver Nuggets  to work as their General Manager. Uriji made the Nuggets into a playoff contender last year while earning Executive of the Year honors so time will tell if the whole doing “things grown ass men that play basketball for a living” care about changes in the very near future.

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The Fam is a group of folks who support the movement of The Sportsfan Journal, their words here are as appreciated as a piece of cake to a fat kid.

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