When I went to New York a few months ago, I went to the NBA Store and considered buying an Andrew Bynum Philadelphia 76ers jersey because how often do you get a chance to own a jersey of a player on a team that he never played a single game for? Unfortunately, this was before Bynum signed with the Cavaliers so the jersey was still regular price. Last week, my friend Albert reminded me that this jersey was now on sale at the online store, and then, yesterday, I realized that the store was having an additional sale on clearance items and now the Bynum jersey was marked down to $32.99. I was all ready to make this purchase, but then I went to my closet and realized I have all these shirseys that I never wear except maybe when I go to the gym (Pete Maravich Jazz, Ben Coates Patriots) and a lot of jerseys that have just become a sad, unaired episode of "Cribs."
So, I didn't end up buying the Bynum jersey, and really, when it comes to these online discounts, I'm more likely to just spend hours browsing through the selection and then walking away. I think this is called window shopping. But as you may have noticed from my previous forays into eBay, I do have a lot of ideas in case anyone out there is looking for some good deals. So here are a few suggestions, some more useful than others:
The Linsanity Package. Here's the thing about Linsanity, or for that matter any popular mainstream jerseys and t-shirts at the moment. You have to think long term here. If I could go back in time, I would've snapped up every single Champion jersey so I wouldn't have to retroactively chase those dreams 20 years later. The thing about Linsanity is that it came and went, Jeremy Lin left New York, and we're left with a lot of leftover merchandise that as become sunk cost to the league. Except, in 10 years, in 20 years, there's going to be a resurgence of Linsanity gear. I think it's called nostalgia.
You can totally take this opportunity to stock up on all things Linsanity at a very affordable price. And let me tell you, you have a lot to choose from. There's the Jeremy Lin player pin, player magnet, a premium felt pennant, locker room sign, round vinyl decal for your car, a dog tag necklace, a bracelet, a black mesh hat, a white adjustable hat just to give yourself another option, a car flag, a Game Time t-shirt, and a Lin State Of Mind t-shirt because that slogan makes zero sense.
So, that's a lot to choose from, except, you actually don't have to stress because if you add everything I just mentioned above to your shopping cart, your grand total is $48.08. We'll forget about whatever additional shipping charges are being incurred because let's be honest, if you're even considering this right now, I don't think being frugal about online shipping costs is something you lose sleep over.
The player magnet just went out of stock as I'm writing this, so get on this now. The Linsanity package is like the Moneyball of this discount sale — you're exploiting a market inefficiency for I actually have no idea where this analogy is going it just sounded good when I started this sentence.
Now, here are a few things I would actually buy and feel entirely rational. This pair of Philadelphia 76ers mesh shorts, this San Antonio Spurs Mitchell & Ness hat and this Utah Jazz Intramural t-shirt.
And also, let's hope the NBA nickname thing works out better than this:
Wait, when did we ever refer to Dwight Howard as "Mr. Double Double" again? No matter, you can own this shirt for $7.79! If we're going with this theme, maybe Rajon Rondo can have a Mr. Triple Double shirt; that would be kind of cool. Except no, let's call him The Clinic!!!! Where are these nicknames coming from, and where can I apply for a marketing role with the league to make this better? Other shirts that look weird and unwearable: Kid Clutch, Bron Bron and The Blake Show.
A few other items you should avoid at all cost.
This is an Atlanta Hawks Red Sandilands t-shirt. It's $11.99. Here's how you know you probably should pass on a t-shirt: Would you outfit your Grand Theft Auto character with this shirt if it was available in your player's closet? If not, move on. I could not have Franklin or Michael be out on the streets in this. Maybe Michael's son.
Cross-promotions are cool, but what's going in here?????? I don't even try matching my clothes that much, but if you're going to wear this hat, you might as well just shave your head and tattoo this on your dome to make it unforgettable like Drake featuring Aaliyah and Young Jeezy. This hat makes no sense. Can we please go back to just simple hats? Why am I so angry right now? Because C.J. Spiller and Maurice Jones-Drew are my running backs in my main fantasy league and "Breaking Bad" is over.
Okay, let's wrap this up by counting down the three best finds in the discount section.
Number three:
A Charlotte Bobcats metal wind chime for $11.99. Take it away, product description! "When you can't listen to the joyous sounds of your Bobcats scoring or the crowd erupting in cheers, settle for the merry clinking of chimes with this metal wind chime."
Number two:
Not shitting you, these are actually marketed as Cleveland Cavaliers Logo Bandz Bracelets. Check the magic behind these bracelets: "They feature five different team inspired shapes made of 100% non-toxic silicone so they return to their original shape and size every time you take them off!" I'm just cutting and pasting product descriptions by now if you haven't noticed. It's late. I'm tired. $2.99 though, what could go wrong?
Number one:
Your eyes are not deceiving you; for $17.99, you can own this New Jersey Nets Logo Pro Toaster. The product description tells you everything you need: "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Start every morning off right and treat yourself to the breakfast of champions with the help of this unique team logo toaster! This compact 2-slice toaster will not only brand your bread with your favorite team's logo, it also features an enamel logo on the front, reheat, frozen food and quick-stop functions, as well as seven separate timing settings. It also comes with special cool-touch housing, so it's safe enough to keep in a house with little Nets fans, too."
Just imagine a life where you wake up after a hangover, make some scrambled eggs with some toast, and picture the smile on your face when you go to put those eggs on your piece of toast and there's a New Jersey Nets logo there. For everything else there's Mastercard.
