Today’s Obituaries: Kendrick Perkins (1984-2012)

8:04 a.m. Mountain Time: Timofey Mozgov woke up on Tuesday morning feeling refreshed, like a 250-pound weight had been lifted off of his back. He wasn’t sure why, but he arose humming old Russian spirituals that his mom would sing while making blini and tea. He checked his phone and noticed that he had roughly 238 text messages from friends and family. Every text message seems to be some variation of the same thing.

“YOU’VE BEEN SAVED!!!!!“

Kendrick Perkins, 27, passed away late Monday night on January 31st, 2012. He was born on November 10th, 1984 in Nederland, Texas. Perkins had established himself as a vital low-post defender for the Boston Celtics and the Oklahoma City Thunder, who was capable of defending the league’s top centers. In essence, he was a goon.

However, witnesses in the Staples Center say that the arena was drafty that night. It was as if an evil spirit was roaming around the arena. The Thunder were under siege by a Clippers team that was just as young and athletic as they were. Threes were raining on the team’s head, dunks were coming in from left and right and the proverbial sky was falling on arguably the best team in the NBA….but the Ghost of Mozgov was ready to be released from his shackles in the rafters.

As the rout continued in Staples, witnesses say that Chris Paul worked as an accomplice in Blake Griffin’s attempt to “Shang Tsung” another unfortunate simpleton. The Clippers had shot so many threes that the Thunder were jumping on every pump-fake and were coming out of their shoes. Perkins, seeing this happen kept yelling at his teammates to “Stay Down! Play some got damn defense!” Perkins was unable to take heed to his own advice, as Paul drove the lane and hit a screening albino savage known as “Omega Red,” Blake Griffin with a bounce pass from hell. Griffin, whose eyes rolled behind his head, elevated towards the rim to dunk the ball with all his might.

Unfortunately, so did Perkins.

Perkins couldn’t get more than a few inches off the ground before Griffin reigned down the rim with a furious rage that hadn’t been seen by a light-skinned brother since the days of….the Mozgov incident. Perkins and his turtle-face retreated into his proverbial shell as shrieks and howls were cried out by women and children in the audience. There were multiple reports of men apparently wetting themselves without shame, and Deandre Jordan came over to Griffin to prevent the man from catching the Holy Ghost in the arena.

A scholarship foundation has been created in honor of Perkins,  for all the big men who valiantly (but stupidly) try to block dunk attempts by Blake Griffin. The scholarship is called, “The Turtle-Face Fund,” as your face could potentially look like Perkins, if Blake dunks on you.

Tags: Blake Griffin, Kendrick Perkins, Los Angeles Clippers, Obituaries, Oklahoma City Thunder

E. Maisonet, III

Eddie Maisonet is an appreciator of the ultimate reality show that is sports. Follow his 140-character musings on Twitter and be prepared for chicanery and tomfoolery.

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