I was decorating a gingerbread house when it happened.
Here I was, holding a knife and pasting sugary icing on a candy-topped residence with the ol' lady while simultaneously watching the Arizona Cardinals and the Seattle Seahawks do battle on Sunday Night Football. I had one eye on the television and another eye on the candy canes I was breaking apart to make a door for the ants that will eventually live inside the house. Then I saw Russell Wilson do a simple handoff to Marshawn Lynch, Justin Tinsley's spirit animal, and then it happened ...
Now, it should be noted that when I watched this run, I was sitting with two women in a living room. They were babbling about something regarding Solange breaking out in hives and her sister Beyonce saving the day during her wedding or whatever, but here I was screaming like a lunatic yelling "BEAST MODE" and "UGGGGGGGH" and "GET OFF OF HIM" while Marshawn was rumbling and a bumbling toward the end zone. However, it's what I yelled when he crossed the end zone with his now signature celebration move that all hell broke loose.
"HOLD MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!"
There is a certain subset of individuals who instantly know what that vile reference means, but for others you might be clueless. Watch the video above again and look at what Marshawn does when he crosses that end zone line. He grabs his crotch. I begin yelling obscenities.
The reference of yelling HOLD MY D comes from one of the greatest YouTube user-generated videos of all time. Demetry James provided voice-over commentary for Marshawn Lynch's earthquake-inducing run four years ago when the Seahawks faced the New Orleans Saints in the opening round of the 2009 playoffs. James, whose oratorical skills began while doing voice-overs during his battles with his friend "Gumby" on XBox while playing Madden, decided that his ability to be John Facenda 2.0 for one of the greatest runs in the history of football deserved his talents.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Marshawn Lynch will go down as one of my favorite football players ever, as the man's ability to always keep it "100" both on and off the field will forever make him a legend in my eyes. However, what's more astounding is how much the people love Beast Mode. The fact that someone could do such a juvenile act like grabbing his phallic region in front of millions (and millions) of people, and for so many to celebrate said action, is truly the reason why America is the greatest place on Earth.
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”
