Yesterday's Obituaries: Dwyane Tyrone Wade, Jr. (1982-2011)

(This article was originally published at Ed The Sports Fan on May 15, 2011)

For many departed souls, this is the day they'd always been waiting for...

Dwyane Tyrone Wade, Jr. was born on January 17, 1982 in Chicago, Illinois. The Chi-town native was put to rest on Sunday, May 15th, 2011 after what apparently was a setup by the locals. Dwyane Wade was considered to be a proud son of the Windy City, grew up on the South Side, hooped at Richards High, and went on to become a star hooper 90 minutes north at Marquette University. Through it all, the man became an all-star, an Olympian, and a NBA champion. However, for whatever reason, the residents of Chicago felt betrayed. Maybe it was because Wade decided not to leave Miami for Chicago in free agency, or maybe its because Wade might've had something to do with his now teammate LeBron Raymone James joining him in Miami, or that he'd be wearing Jordan's in the house that The Jordan built to take on the team that Jordan took to glory...

...whatever it was, Wade's days on this Earth were numbered.

Witnesses say that Taj Jami Gibson, 25, had been paid a lump sum of cash by various victims of D-Wade murders in the past, slighted high school, AAU, and college coaches in the Chicagoland area, and random high yella, mulatto, salacious, jezebel hussies that had thrown D-Wade "the goods" and he denied all advances. It was time to take Flash off the set, for good.

What no one knew was that Taj Gibson was going to channel Tom Chambers and hit another level when dunking on Dwyane Wade. Wade apparently thought he could actually block the ball, and yet the man was just too damn small. Women shrieked, children screamed, and men yelled with furious anger as the oppression had been lifted from the city of Chicago. Wade appeared to be okay initially, even keeping a smirk on his face for various points of the second quarter. However, during halftime Wade went into the bathroom stall and apparently never came out....

If you have any information to the whereabouts of Mr. Wade, please contact the local authorities. We hear he might be floating in the sewer canal that leads to Lake Michigan. A scholarship foundation has been setup in Dwyane Wade's name by one Jordan Crawford, who was known for dunking on "The Chosen One" who liked to dunk on others.

Extra: Taj Gibson tried to bury the Heat by himself, as he gave Miami a putback from hades late in the fourth quarter, enjoy.

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