The 2012 Houston Texans Will Win The AFC Championship

Don't confuse the headline of this article for something for "shock value" purposes. As soon as the Houston Texans lost to the Baltimore Ravens in the divisional round of the 2011 NFL playoffs, it was something I truly believed in my heart, and it was the proclamation I knew I would have to make, publicly.

The Houston Texans will win the AFC Championship and take their talents to New Orleans for Super Bowl XLVII.

Please do the necessary actions now, including:

  • Bookmarking this article for future reference.
  • Favorite any tweet that references this article, for future reference.
  • Acquire rotten tomatoes to prepare to throw at yours truly.

You can feel free to do any and all of the things listed above, but I'm here to tell you that none of ths will matter in January 2013 as the Houston Texans are possibly sending your favorite AFC squad home for the holidays.

You, the reader, and I, the writer, have to agree on the following things about this 2012 Houston Texans squad before we can move any further.

The Houston Texans have arguably the best wide receiver in football in Andre Johnson. Agreed? Agreed.

The Houston Texans have arguably the best running back in football in Arian Foster. Agreed? Agreed.

The Houston Texans have arguably one of the top 3-5 defenses in football in 2012. Agreed? Agreed.

The Houston Texans have arguably one of the top 10 quarterbacks in football in Matt Schaub. Agreed? Agreed.

Ed's Note: Look, I know I'm basically forcing you to agree with these points to move forward with the premise of this post, but ride with me here, okay? Yes, you could POSSIBLY argue with me about Matt Schaub not being a top 10 quarterback, but then I'd be forced to call you a dim-witted neanderthal. End aside.

All of these entities return in healthy form for the upcoming season along with an organization that finally got a taste of winning last season. Not only were they winning, but they were winning games they had no business winning in convincing fashion. Credit the 3rd-string quarterback rising to the challenge. Credit Gary Kubiak for moving the x's and the o's around so the Willie's and the Joe's could flourish. Credit Arian Foster for doing anything and everything that was necessary to help the team win.

Yes, the Texans dealt with the loss of major players like Mario Williams, Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson and others and finished with a 10-6 record and won their first division title in franchise history. Yes, I'm aware of that. What's most impressive is how good the Houston defense was without the services of Williams, perhaps because he was out of position trying to become the next DeMarcus Ware. Or because he'd hurt himself for the remainder of the season and the Houston Texans defense looked better without him.

Cold world.

Plus, let's acknowledge the fact that the AFC South is about as horrid as the putrid NFC West is these days. Drew Magary of Deadspin says it better than I could:

What does it really mean to win a division this shitty? Check out the Colts' recent playoff failures if you'd like a good idea of just how poorly this GAUNTLET OF A DIVISION prepares you for playing actual teams in January. The Texans can probably still win this division playing T.J. Yates at QB and a pair Roombas blocking on the right side of the line. But once they have to play Baltimore again? KUBIAK CRANIAL DIARRHEA ATTACK.

Drew does help lead in a couple of points to address, because if the Texans can put together a complete regular season there's no reason why they wouldn't go 11-5 or 12-4 easily. However, my proclamation is that they'll win the AFC Championship, not just make the playoffs.

Don't look now, but the AFC's reign of power over the NFL is a sham. The NFC's won the last three Super Bowls after the AFC had won nine of previous twelve. The AFC West is rancid. We already spoke about the AFC South. The AFC North is really good, but are the Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals striking fear into these Texans? Arian Foster ran for 155 last year on the Steelers, we chronicled Houston's close loss to Baltimore in the playoffs, and the Bengals took two losses to the Texans last season. Of course, that leaves one team from one division, and that's the New England Patriots from the AFC East ...

(Looks around ...)

(Nervously taps fingers ...)

(Calls mama for consultation ...)

(Sips whiskey ...)


There's a rule of thumb that's used when trying to decide what team would win if you think all things are equal. Whatever team has the better quarterback, pick that team. It's that simple. Well, if Houston were to face off versus the New England Patriots, we know who's winning that quarterback battle. Sir Thomas Brady is the man, and no disrespect to Matt Schaub but ... you're Matt Schaub. Houston will have to cheat, lie, bribe and engage in any other felonious activity to beat the Patriots. I see nothing wrong with this. As long as they do whatever they got to do to make my proclamation true, then I'm totally fine with whatever happens.

The Houston Texans will win the 2012 AFC Championship. Come fight me, bro.

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