The Sports Fan's Four Maxims of Manhood

*Note: This post is an adaptation from the book I received in the mail a few days ago (thanks, Meghan) called "The Maxims of Manhood", by Jeff Wilser. Inside the book, you will find the fundamental truths of modern manhood -- a code of behavior that leaves your father proud, your buddies in awe and your girfriend (mostly) satisfied. Through TSFJ, the book is discounted for just $10.50 and would serve as a great stocking stuffer for any man on the move. Here are four sports-related maxims that every man and sports fan can live by.*

TSFJ Maxim No. 1 - Never Switch Your Favorite Team.

"You will have many jobs. You will own multiple cars, pets and suits. And barring some nightmare scenario where you marry your high school sweetheart, you'll go from girl-to-girl. Like almost everything else in life, these are all fleeting. Replaceable. But you do have something timeless and true, a lifelong bed-rock: your favorite sports team. You are permitted one team for each major sport, and this can never change. Ever."

This isn't something that we haven't said before. Yet, it's something that I see compromised all the time. "Oh, I like the Lakers and the Knicks."

What? Naw, man...naw.

People that have two teams that they root for are also probably likely to cheat on their significant other. Rooting for one team isn't easy, but it's something that shouldn't be taken likely. Yes, your favorite team will give you nothing but gut-wrenching moment after gut-wrenching moment, but that's what makes being a fan of your team so wonderful. "But Kobe Bryant is my favorite player!" Cool, root for Kobe. But under no circumstances will you be talking about "I'm a Lakers fan and a Knicks fan, even though I'm from NYC."

Naw. Be a stand-up guy and root for a team, even when they're a bunch of losers. What the hell do you expect a woman to think if your relationship begins to suffer?

TSFJ Maxim No. 2 - Make Your Son/Daughter A Lefty.

"You take the long view. Sure, maybe when you're a little kid, being left-handed makes it harder to learn writing, gets you laughed at and causes you to wonder, "Am i different? Am I weird?" All of this awkwardness pays off, however, when your son is old enough to play sports, and especially when he goes pro. (Which your kid will. You just feel it.) Lefties are treasured. Lefty pitchers, lefty batters, lefty tennis players--it's the lethal advantage."

Add to making your son a lefty the following: learn to long-snap, punt/kick, throw a knuckleball, shoot from long-range.

There are certain skills that, regardless of athletic ability, if you can get really good at can help you go a long way. Being a left-handed athlete has a ton of advantages, and if this gets your child a chance to get on the field sooner, or a chance to take advantages of his exploits, so be it. Just get 'em started early, so that early retirement can come sooner rather than later, courtesy of the kid making the pros.

TSFJ Maxim No. 3 - You See Eye-To-Eye With Jack Bauer.

"You don't watch much TV but, dammit, Jack Bauer is a man you can relate to. Sure, maybe you have a few superficial differences: you've never tortured terrorists; you haven't (yet) assassinated a government agent to save the lives of millions; you've never died and been resurrected; your cell phone don't have the same never-fail service or battery power; you eat; you don't watch your family members die at CTU and then repeatedly bring more family members back to CTU since it's such a safe house; you sleep; you tend to wear fewer than seventeen different outfits each day; and you've never threatened to kill a U.S. president."

Other than that, it's like you're the same guy. You get him. You get his unwavering devotion to his values, you get his determination to complete the mission, even if it means chopping off a dude's head ("I'M GOING TO NEED A HACKSAW"), you get the submergence of his ego."

If you don't stand for anything as a sports fan, then how do you expect anyone to respect you? Have some got damn values with the things you believe in. Even if your values are irrational, stand by them. Don't flip-flop because someone questions your beliefs; in fact, you might need to tell ole buddy to get up on out your face. (Sorry, just got crunk for a second there.)

TSFJ Maxim No. 4 - Go For RBIs, Not Batting Average.

"There's the old saying about a guy who walks into a bar and asks every woman he sees, 'Excuse me, may I jump your bones?' And 99 times out of 100, he gets kneed in the balls or soaked with beer. But that one time out of 100 -- that's something special, that's something magical."

While this analogy is beautiful for men trying to talk to women, there is a sports fan analogy here as well. Look, as comfortable as it is to sit in front of the 50" big screen with your wings and beer watching the game, there's still nothing like going to a game live. We call it "Shocking the World" for a reason. You never know what might happen. Hell, you might watch one of the greatest college basketball games ever, or you might see the fisticuffs breakout. Either way, its one thing to watch it on television, but it's another to see everything happen live.

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