(Ed’s Note: Today’s Obituaries is a satire series that runs on The Sports Fan Journal. Don’t be lame and get offended. Thanks.)
Brandon Knight, 21, passed away on Sunday, March 10, 2013. He was a born and raised Floridian who was currently serving as the starting shooting guard for the Detroit Pistons. What transpired on Sunday evening between the Pistons and the Los Angeles Clippers was what happens when an ambitious young pup thinks he can get a ball bouncing into oncoming traffic. We applaud ambition, to think that someone could pull off the unthinkable, navigating through cars speeding through the intersection, in hopes of attain that precious bouncing ball. Unfortunately for Knight, the only thing that his ambition got him was his body getting splattered on the basketball court by an oncoming MAC Truck.
Sources say that Hyland DeAndre Jordan was just trailing the play like he was supposed to do as the center for the Los Angeles Clippers went suddenly someone spoke to him in his mind. Telepathy, is what I think they call it. Chris Paul spoke to Deandre in his head:
"Hey man, I'm about to try and throw this egregious alley-oop that I've been dreaming about for weeks. Dog, I'm gonna go to the elbow of the three-point line and just throw ball in the air real real high. I need you to run a wind sprint from about 25 feet away and then jump from the dotted-line, then dunk the ball real real hard. I don't care if there are people in the way or if it sounds like an impossible task, just do it, and all the riches and spoils will be laid at your feet. Nod if you understand this lengthy conversation that transpired probably in 2.5 seconds in real time."
Jordan nodded, and the rest was history.
Knight saw the pass coming from Chris Paul and for whatever reason thought that he had a chance in hades in deflecting the ball. The Lob City Choir altogether rose as one as their deacon went into the rafters to dunk the ball home in egregious fashion and Knight fell down into a crumbled heap on his back, looking up into the heavens asking a simple question, "Why Lord?"
Sources say that Chris Paul looked like he was concerned for the well-being of Knight, although many believe properly that this was all his fault to begin with. I mean, how are you going to trust someone with your well-being if he has a past history of punching people in the nuts? That's not nice. Blake Griffin cheered on from the sidelines while holding back his jealousy that Paul hadn't chosen to speak to him telepathically instead. Jordan made a face that could only be described as "YEEEEESH!" Little kids jumped for joy all around the arena, women threw their undergarments at Jordan's feet, and grown men sobbed with joy watching a young man get slaughtered on the hardwood floor.
A scholarship fund has been started in honor of Brandon Knight, as it is named the, "Don't be a dummy like Damon Jones did that one time on the fast break getting in the way of LeBron James like that then crumbling into the fetal position in mid-air while getting dunked on" scholarship fund. Brandon Knight's soul will now be forced to wear egregiously colored suits on the sidelines of future All-Star games so that we will never forget this travesty that took place on Sunday night.
Eddie Maisonet is the founder and editor emeritus of The Sports Fan Journal. Currently, he serves as an associate editor for ESPN.com. He is an unabashed Russell Westbrook and Barry Switzer apologist, owns over 100 fitteds and snapbacks, and lives by Reggie Jackson’s famous quote, “I am the straw that stirs the drink.”
