Today's Obituaries: Pau Gasol i Sáez (1980-2012)

There's nothing quite like taking a leisurely stroll. You can notice the petunias flourishing next to the tulips, young lovers smooching under a sycamore tree, kids running amuck doing what kids do while without parental supervision. It's the feeling of ultimate bliss and innocence that only one can have when they are without a care in the world.

That's what Pau Gasol i Sáez, 31, was doing during the opening minute of Tuesday night's contest between his Los Angeles Lakers in a "road" game versus the Los Angeles Clippers. For whatever reason, Gasol was oblivious to the fact that "Omega Red" Blake Griffin was lurking, already stalking an opportunity to get his monkey on and swing from the rim in a disrespectful fashion. I mean, its not like this hadn't happened before....right?

Oh has, in the Staples Center, by the same man, on various occasions. WTF.

So the obvious question is....what was Pau Gasol thinking?

Witnesses say that Blake Griffin didn't give one singular f*ck on trying to rebound his teammate Randy Foye's jump shot. Nah, his only two thoughts were the following:

1) Man, I need to really work on my tan this summer. My skin is starting to blend in with the home jersey.

2) Man, if the ball bounces off this rim just right.....YOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The video up above proves that Pau Gasol was clearly daydreaming about new patterns for his bedsheets in his guest bedroom, or he was thinking about the virgin mojito he consumed last week. Either way, Gasol was left in a catatonic state and his chances of living were only for a few days, at best, after receiving the tremendous blow to the back of the head.

However, Blake wasn't quite done yet.

You see, Blake looked down at Gasol after YUUUUUUUUULE'n all on Gasol's neck. While many thought Blake was giving Gasol an egotistical stare down after his physical domination of the Spaniard, Blake was actually checking out Gasol's tan. Blake was infuriated after he realized that Gasol's Catalonian tan was far superior than the one Griffin had worked on in Los Angeles and Oklahoma.

Blake's tan was sub par at best, and Blake needed to take vengeance into his own hands.

One pick and roll later, the "hands" in this case, was a vicious elbow to the head of Gasol. The dunk was every bit as disrespectful as Gasol's predecessors Perkins and Mozgov had received before they transcended into the afterlife, and Gasol bit the dust looking as soft as a newborn baby's poop.

Blake Griffin left the Staples Center and booked an appointment at the local Bayside Tanning Salon, as his never-ending quest of the perfect tan continues. Sources say that Griffin is considered V.I.P. at every tanning salon in a 30-mile radius of Staples Center and can't wait to get back "under the lights."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *