Hard Knocks: Larry David Edition


Hi everyone, this is Larry David here. I'm the new head coach of your favorite football team, and I'm here to tell you how, why and all your other pressing questions.

Now this is unusual for me, because while my pal Seinfeld is in effect producing his own sitcom under the guise of a web series, I prefer to keep my public appearances to a minimum. You know, being anonymous doesn't always pay, but you have to try anyways.

By now, I'm sure you've heard about my comments on Rich Eisen's podcast, and yes, I do believe that I'm capable of turning your NFL team around. If you can put up with the league's lack of concern for player safety, going through a quarter of a season with replacement refs and Dan Snyder, the idea of me coaching a football team doesn't seem so far-fetched, now does it?

Taking this job took a lot for me, because I've never gotten over the word encroachment. Did you know that if you Google the dictionary definition of the word, the first definition is: "the act or an instance of encroaching," which is ridiculous on its own merits because you assume that when someone is looking up the definition of something, they're not looking for that actual word to be used in a sentence. The second definition clears it up, only because of the disaster that the first definition causes: "A violation of the rules in which a player enters the neutral zone and makes contact with an opponent prior to the snap of the ball."

And that's it. No third definition. Encroachment, a word created and made for football, and football only. How pretentious can you be? They should stop giving Wonderlic tests to these incoming athletes and just ask them to use the word encroachment in a sentence that is non-football related. I'm not sure if that would've saved Vince Young, but we'll never know.

I don't mean to harp on this matter too much, because I supposedly have a reputation in that regards, but is it so hard for the official to just call the penalty by saying that "a player crossed the imaginary neutral line before he should have," or "jumped the gun on the play, number 72, five-yard penalty, automatic first down"?

Seriously, encroachment, can you believe it?

Speaking of which, the word avant garde has always bugged me, but this is getting off-topic. What were we talking about again?

Yes, football. So on Rich Eisen's podcast, we talked a little about my offensive strategy. Here's the thing, I've always been a huge fan of  the Pulaski Academy football team. Why use three downs when you have four? If you have an entire roll of toilet paper, you don't leave a few behind. You use up the whole roll, then you get a new one when it runs out. Football is like ketchup, we always squirt more ketchup than we need. You know why? Because we're all about excess. Like George Carlin said, football is war. This is a war field. No one wins a war by being conservative. So, if it's fourth and 40 at midfield in a tied game? Why do we have to follow the script and punt the ball? Are people supposed to give up that easily? I will need to call a timeout, talk to Leon — who I'd like to announce will be my offensive coordinator — and we'll figure things out. Leon loves the naked bootleg, and he hasn't even seen a playbook yet.

Another thing I'm sure you'll ask: Larry, you seem like a really competitive guy, how will you pull yourself together to shake the hands of the opposing coach after a game? You know what, I don't think I can. Handshakes are a form of false sincerity. Do you know when handshakes happen? When you're trying to be cordial with people you're not really close to or you care about. I've never had a direct handshake with someone I actually consider a friend. So sure, we can go through the motion of pleasantries after an all-out, 60-minute war, or we can just do this and look straight into the soul of Bill Belichick once and for all.

Anyways, by now I realize that I haven't really made a very convincing case of being your head coach. But listen, strange but good things happen when I'm around. And I think this is all going to turn out pretty good. Wait. I mean. This will all turn out prettay, prettay, prettay good.

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