The @alleniverson Celebriducks have arrived at #Sixers Headquarters! https://t.co/v8aAXsga6m pic.twitter.com/joIqKcay4q
— Philadelphia 76ers (@Sixers) January 23, 2014
If you've never seen the movie Alpha Dog, stop reading now. I'm about to spoil the ending. Anton Yelchin's character is kidnapped by Justin Timberlake's crew as a form of ransom. Throughout the course of the movie, Yelchin befriends Timberlake's crew to the point where you almost forget there's a felony in progress.
Well, at least until the end when Timberlake pleads with his comrades not to kill Yelchin. You hope and you pray that the movie doesn't end the way it's inevitably barreling towards. Yelchin is seen begging for his life and swearing not to rat anyone out (which he really wouldn't have), but they off him in the end anyway. It's a movie death not normally mentioned with Ricky from Boyz In The Hood, Mufasa from Lion King or Cochise from Cooley High.
It is, however, one of those false senses of betrayal that never totally digests. Never. Sort of like how the Philadelphia 76ers did Allen Iverson at 12:37 p.m. EST with the above tweet.
The first overall pick in 1996. The man who helped completely revolutionize the culture of basketball both on and off the court. The man who allegedly played with a hangover in the 2001 All-Star Game, scored 15 points in the fourth quarter and waltzed home with MVP honors. The man who was named the 2001 MVP. The man who took the Sixers on their most memorable playoff run since the days of Dr. J and Moses Malone. The man who gave us "practice." The man who embraced Philadelphia as his second home regardless of media scrutiny.
That man. He's relegated to a duck with cornrows now. A f*ckin' duck*.
Not a lion. Not a bald eagle. Not a gorilla (nevermind, that would've been even worse). But a duck. A frickin' duck! This has nothing to do with race. It has everything to do with applicable and respectable animal kingdom comparisons.
I consulted with Philadelphia native, lifelong Sixers fan and TSFJ senior editor Joe Boland and asked if some story exists that links Bubba Chuck to the aquatic animal. Turns out, it's a retro promotion. "The Sixers are just weird. There is no other explanation I am aware of," said The Rev. Retro his rookie jersey for half off or sell arm sleeves at 75% discounted price. Something! Anything!
ANYTHING BUT A F*CKIN' DUCK! That doesn't say "I'll drive to the basket on anyone in the league and worry about the consequences later." It says "If this soap gets in my eye, it's going to burn like hell." I've always held a soft spot in my heart for the Sixers off the Iverson connection alone. But at the risk of making this more a story than it really is, I'm done. They've crossed a line I'm not sure can ever be totally mended. They've got roughly a month and a half before Chuck's jersey retirement in early March.
Don't screw this up, Sixers. I expect to cry during that moment. And not just sniffling cry either. I'm talking full-fledged, hard to breath, my right nostril gets congested, headache-inducing tears ... cry. I want to feel like I'm watching the end of Alpha Dog all over again, only with tears of joy.
Who the hell do you think you are comparing Allen Iverson to an animal named after a delicious Chinese food sauce?
I don't even know who you are in anymore. You've got some nerve.
*It should be noted that the 76ers are also giving away an alien Iverson and a gumby Iverson too. Because that was just Gumby in an Iverson jersey back in 2001, while the duck is him with duck lips like he's some Twitter Honey or Instagram model. We live in a country where respecting living legends has went the way of the rotary phone. Shame on us for allowing this to happen.
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