Ladies: Which NBA Player Are You? Vol. 1

By The Analyst / @RealGoesRight

Foreword brought to you by a conversation between me and my Morehouse homie, G. Brooks.

Me: I'm saying, you having a LeBron moment?

Garrett: Nah, I play for the win.

Me: *daps* That’s why you my dude. Why are we always talking about [women] in basketball terms, though?

Garrett: Man, [basketball] is a metaphor for life.

And so was the inspiration for today’s post.

So what exactly have I done?

I’ve taken the attributes of several NBA stars and related them to characteristics you would find in certain type of women. (I promise when you actually see how this is done, it will make perfect sense.)

Admittedly, this will be funnier if you’re familiar with professional basketball, so I apologize in advance if this blog misses you in its entirety. Here we go...ladies, which NBA player are you?

Rajon Rondo – One of my favorite PGs in the league, Rondo does everything you would want your floor general to do on the court. He’s had double-digit assists numbers in the last 20 games and has 18 triple doubles in his career. Rondo is all about setting his teammates up to be in the best possible position to score. He’s more concerned with the success of the team as opposed to his own individual numbers. Even so, he’s still capable of taking over and leaving his hand prints all over a game.

Women made of this ilk are fantastic and should be appreciated. These are the type of women who are always looking out for a man. Women who have no issue making a reasonable compromise to see a man reach his goals. Women who have no problem finding ways to help a man succeed and will support a man even when he is not on top of his game. Women made in the Rondo mold have no problems setting a man up, but should he fall, have no problems taking over as well.

J.R. Smith – J.R. Smith is a spectacular dunker and depending on what night you catch him, a pretty good three-point shooter as well. He’s an eight-year veteran who has never started more than 56 games in a season and is basically relegated to coming off the bench for scoring purposes only. J.R. Smith has always held a special place in my heart, as he’s young and extremely athletic, but his skills have never translated to making him a full-time starter.

Women made in the game of J.R. Smith are a dime a dozen. Women here are usually extremely flashy and pass the eye test, but tend to make terrible partners. Yes, they’re extremely attractive. Yes, a man wants to show them off everywhere he goes. Yes, there are nights when these women will “play” well beyond their capabilities and make a man wonder why they’re not “full-time starters.” However, what it all boils down to is these women are all style and no substance. The longer a man looks at them, the more a man begins to see that they lack the tools necessary to be considered girlfriend material. They’re cool to go out with, but anything deeper than that will make him waive her contract and send her back to the free agency pool.

Tim Duncan
– Tim Duncan is widely considered one of the best power forwards of all time. In terms of all the skills that a man of the position can attain, you’d be hard-pressed to say that Duncan doesn’t possess them. His game isn’t exciting to watch, but the level of consistency that Duncan shows each night out cannot be understated. He’s a four-time NBA champion and has been the anchor of one of the most consistent teams in the last decade or so. For all the good things I said about TD, here’s the one knock he’ll never live down. He’s, quite frankly, boring as fuck. His team is boring as fuck. And watching them play is often a painfully dull experience if you’re into the more flashy nature of basketball.

Women made of the TD ilk are often great women. A man never has to ask them to do anything, since they always know what to do. A woman of this mold also doesn’t need much teaching because she already possesses all the skills needed. Unfortunately, their high level of consistency without any precipitous drop-off in skill can actually make them dull. And dullness is pretty much the scarlet letter for any man who’s interested in a woman. Women like this usually show up in the wrong time during a man’s life. Most men start off wanting a life full of women in the J.R. Smith mold, but a TD-type chick will roll in and make you second-guess everything a man thought he wanted.

Brooks and I hate Tim Duncan. Brooks’ pops, however, loves Tim Duncan’s game. We came to the conclusion that you have to be a bit older to fully understand and appreciate Tim Duncan’s game...kinda like how a man usually has to be a little older to understand and appreciate a woman made in this mold.

James Harden – Harden, as far as I’m concerned, is one of the best “sixth men” in the league. Kevin Durant (who I’ll speak on in the next post) and Russell Westbrook make up the two-headed monster of the OKC Thunder, owning the second best record in the West. I have a hard time imagining them being there without the assistance of Mr. Harden. James Harden is effective because he’s capable of coming off the bench and either providing leadership as a floor general or shooting the lights out from the three. Truthfully, James Harden could be a starter on almost any other team in the league, but he chooses to come off the bench. In an era full of “me-first” players, that type of loyalty simply cannot go unnoticed.

The type of women made in the ilk of James Harden type game would most likely be relegated to side chicks. A woman who plays her position and gives the star player (i.e., the girlfriend/main chick) a break without any noticeable drop in the quality of experience. A woman made of this ilk basically does everything a girlfriend does in different (and sometimes) better ways, without actually wanting the responsibility of being a full-time “starter.” A woman with this skill-set is more than capable of being a great girlfriend for someone else, but relegates herself to a safe situation where she doesn’t need to take on full-time responsibilities. This woman is the ultimate team player and should be a treasured member of a man’s lineup. (You know, if he’s into that sort of thing.)

Thanks for reading, and look out for Vol. II of this list when I speak on other NBA players including Kobe, KD, and everybody’s favorite Heatle, LeBron James. You can read more from The Analyst on Real Goes Right.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *