Poor Dalton Johnson.
The editor-in-chief of this website is a cruel and insensitive fellow. Our EIC asked the newest member of our writing community to man the TSFJ twitter handle during the Thursday Night Football game between the Arizona Cardinals and the St. Louis Rams. What transpired over the course of three hours was some of the ugliest football seen all season, yet somehow Dalton found a way to literally tweet through it.
The Arizona Cardinals lost their backup quarterback, Drew Stanton, for the rest of the season due to a significant knee injury. Some person 99% of America had never heard of named Ryan Lindley stepped in to play quarterback. He was terrible. The backup to Ryan Lindley is Logan Thomas, you know, the guy from Virginia Tech who most scouts suggested had a brighter future as a tight end in the NFL versus playing quarterback. Needless to say, the quarterback position is looking mighty bleak for the Cardinals.
Here's the thing. The Arizona Cardinals are now 11-3 and have a great opportunity to secure a #1 seed in the NFC Playoffs. The Cardinals possess solid talent at the skill positions, and that defense might be the best in the NFL. Somehow, this guy Bruce Arians is looking like a coaching wizard, and defensive coordinator Todd Bowles is looking like a lock to be a head coach in 2015. The Cardinals have been winning football games with Carson Palmer, Stanton, Lindley and a scarecrow back there at quarterback, and at this point, so long as Arians has a QB that can dink and dunk the ball a bit and not turn itl over, the Cardinals are going to be a tough out for anyone in the playoffs. So, who should the Cardinals turn to? Well, we've done the crack research, and here's the names we've come up with.
Kurt Warner
If this isn't the most logical choice, I don't know who is. The man was looking at his phone during the post-game report on the NFL Network, and Deion Sanders was looking the man in the face saying, "This team needs to sign a quarterback … Kurt." God's favorite quarterback is now 43 years old and hasn't taken a snap under center for in five years, but this is Kurt Warner we're talking about. You're gonna bet against him? — Ed
Tim Tebow
If God's favorite quarterback is in the discussion, then God's second favorite quarterback has to be in it too. Rich Eisen brought up Tebow's name during the same post-game report, and I had this tweet in response.
Rich Eisen just suggested Tim Tebow to Arizona... ....I mean.... .... ....that's not the worst idea in the world.
— Eddie Maisonet, III (@edthesportsfan) December 12, 2014
That's the thing: It's not the craziest thing in the world. I would bet money that all the receivers on the squad would be even more fed up than they were before and ask for Ryan Lindley to go back in at quarterback. Call us crazy, but we're here for The Tebow Era to start back up in Phoenix. Besides, it'd take something like a Christmas miracle for Arizona to win its home playoff game. — Ed and Till
Brett Lorenzo Favre
Yeah, I know, but rock with me here. Why sign a guy who is more suited to be hunting with Shawn Michaels than slanging the pill these days? The Road to 350 Career Interceptions. Yeah, he might actually throw a touchdown or two (can't see how he couldn't), but with his benevolence, maybe a defensive back in a contract year can pad those stats. It's holiday season, after all. — Jason
Vince Young
One of the ultimate winners in college could be just the guy Arizona needs to help make a Super Bowl run. As long as VY's feet are still fresh and as long as VY's not interested in fighting folks at the strip club, this could work out. — Ed
Matt Leinart
No matter how bad he performs in round two of his Cardinals career, it can never amount to the sadness of that Dish TV commercial. No, it's not college Matt, but at least you'll be getting paid again. — Dalton
Donovan McNabb
Last time we checked, Donovan McNabb has a residence in Arizona, and when we watch him on FOX Sports 1 he seems to talk a good game. Yes, McNabb looked pretty friggin' terrible in his last stops in Washington and Minnesota, but maybe McNabb has a few good throws left in him? (You're shaking your head no? Yeah, you're probably right.) — Ed
Terrelle Pryor
I mean, the guy does have the longest run for a quarterback in Oakland Raiders history. I mean, he wasn't that terrible as the starting quarterback of the Oakland Raiders. I mean, if he could be mediocre for a mediocre Oakland Raiders team, couldn't he be slightly less mediocre for a really good Arizona Cardinals squad? I mean ... — Ed.
Josh Freeman
Here's something I bet you didn't know. Josh Freeman is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers all-time leader in passing touchdowns and completions. Also, in Freeman's second year, he led the Bucs to an improbable 10-6 record. You know what Freeman's record is minus his second season? 14-30. If Bruce Arians is out here winning football games with Ryan Lindley, Josh Freeman has to at least be an option … right? — Ed
Kevin Kolb
He used to play for the Arizona Cardinals, so at least he knows how to get to the stadium. That's all we got. — Ed
Jared Lorenzen
Who cares that Jared Lorenzen looks like a Madden create-a-player where you turned the weight all the way up and the muscle definition all the way down? The Hefty Lefty has been keeping busy with the North Kentucky River Monsters in a semi-professional indoor football league and, at a sprightly 320 pounds, is ready to lead the Cardinals right now. He's at least as mobile as Peyton Manning, if not more, and he can put nice zip on the ball. He'll try to put gravy on the ball too, but that's his only downside. — Carden
Jeff George
I bet Jeff George has a tire tied up on a tree in the backyard of his house and just slangs the pill through the tire hole when he needs to get away from his wife and kids. There are some who believe that George had the greatest arm in NFL history, but really, we want Arizona to sign the 47-year-old quarterback for sheer entertainment purposes only. — Ed
Jared Zabransky
Once told Kirk Herbstreit he could throw a potato 100 yards, graced the cover of EA Sports NCAA Football 07 after going undrafted and the last time he played in Arizona, magic happened. Zabransky threw the ball a whopping zero yards on a Statue of Liberty to Ian Johnson for a game-winning, two-point conversion to beat Oklahoma 43-42 in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. Sorry, Ed. — Dalton
Cap Rooney
Captain Jack Rooney is exactly who the Arizona Cardinals need. An old quarterback with a bad back and witty one-liners who's still got one good game left in him. What? That sounds like Tony Romo? Stop playing. Of course, Rooney would try and make a play like the one in the video below, and then his back would explode on national television (kinda like it did in "Any Given Sunday") and that'd make everyone cringe. — Ed
Shane Falco
Seriously, how awesome would it be if Ryan Lindley and Logan Thomas stunk it up for a half of hideous football and then this happened ...
We need to make this happen. Along with him kissing cheerleaders in the mouth and John Madden and Pat Summerall (RIP) giving commentary of all of it on national television. — Ed
Goran Dragic, Eric Bledsoe, Isaiah Thomas, Archie Goodwin or Tyler Ennis
The Phoenix Suns have 60 starting point guards. (Okay, really just five.) This can be used like a temp agency, if the Cardinals know what they're doing. They wouldn't even have to leave the metropolitan area. Hook the starter up with lunch and a per diem for the next two Sundays and voila! Quarterback! We have no idea if any of them can throw, but like any temp, they're trying to impress and get a full-time job somewhere. — Jason
Jay-Z
The JiggaMan doesn't lose in any endeavor he touches. Besides, look at the throwing angle! Realistically, Shawn Carter is a winner at a lot of things. Candid photos of his athleticism is not one of them. — Till
Robert Griffin III
Nah, we'll pass.
