An Open Letter To Blaine 'Sunshine' Gabbert

Dear Sunshine,

I hope you don't mind me calling you Sunshine. You know Sunshine, right? Ronnie Bass from Remember the Titans? The California Kid with the slingshot arm? The young man with an eclectic personality? I'm sure you've heard of him, because when you first came to my Jacksonville Jaguars in 2011 with the shoulder-length hair, you resembled him to a tee. Sure you weren't from California, but hey ... maybe you'd play the quarterback position like some of the other prestigious quarterbacks from the left coast.

You know ... Sir Thomas Brady. Aaron "Discount Double-Check" Rodgers. Those guys.

Unfortunately, we all saw how your rookie season went. I'm not going to rehash this with you. You were there. You know how it went. It didn't go well for anyone involved.

However, I'm still in your corner, and if a few things happen here and there then things can improve for our Jaguars. I promise. Hear me out on a few things.

1. Don't worry about Maurice Jones-Drew ... at all. Look, man. I love MJD to death. He's going to surpass Fred Taylor as the greatest running back of our franchise if he ever decides to return to the organization, but at this point, he's dead to all of us. I mean that with no disrespect. MJD, for as great as he is (the No. 2 tailback in the league), wasn't going to prevent us from picking in the top 10 in the 2013 draft. The only one that can prevent us from doing that is you, Sunshine. Yes, making MJD's stats look awesome with all the checkdown throws out of the backfield made him a fantasy football goon, but those are not helping you. You've got to look down the field. Speaking of which ...

2. About this looking fucking terrified in the pocket thing ... stop. Part of me doesn't blame you one bit. The Jaguars offensive line ain't exactly the '93 Dallas Cowboys and our receivers ain't exactly the '99 Minnesota Vikings. I get it. However, do us all a favor and just sling the pigskin down the field. No, I'm serious. Just take a 7-step drop and throw the ball as far as humanly possible. If there's a receiver in the area, that's gravy. Hell, I don't really care if you throw it out of bounds; slang that pill, fam. Seeing 8-9 men in the box every time the Jaguars line up for a play is terrifying, and I'm only watching on television. Oh, and you might have some help coming. So here's a piece of advice ...

3. Throw Justin Blackmon the ball like his life depends on it. Because, in reality, it does. I love Justin Blackmon. I know his kinfolk in Ardmore, Oklahoma. I've followed him since he was the understudy of Dez Bryant at Oklahoma State. The man is immensely talented and is capable of having a phenomenal career in the NFL. However, because the man has been known to drink on occasion, I need you to throw him the ball every single time. Why? If you throw him the ball 20 times a game, he'll catch 12-15 of them. That's good for you. That also means that he'll be so sore and tired that the man won't want to pick up that devil's drank (h/t to Ken) anytime soon. That's even better for you. Justin Blackmon's here to make your life easier, and in a weird way, you'll make his life better as well.

4. Make me stop calling you Sunshine. Your mama named you Blaine Gabbert. I refuse to directly refer to you by this name. I do get a weird joy of calling you Sunshine, only because I sometimes think Ronnie Bass could actually play quarterback better than you. Yes, a mythical high school backup quarterback makes me believe that he could run an offense better than you. This is aspirational in a way, but I realize this isn't helping you and I matriculate to greatness. Therefore ...

... I just need you to be competent.

There are so many other quarterbacks that are terrible in the league, but you make them look like Joe Montana. Tarvaris Jackson: better than you. Mark Sanchez: better than you. Matt Cassel: better than you. Matt Moore: better than you. John Skelton: better than you. CURTIS BLEEPING PAINTER HAD A BETTER QB RATING THAN YOU LAST YEAR. BETTER THAN YOU.


These are hideous quarterbacks. I wouldn't trust these QBs to hit me on a 10-yard out route. Yet, they were all better than you last year. This has to end. Do better, kinfolk; do better.

5. WHOA THERE, MOTHER FUCKER! Big ups to Alfie from Big Cat Country for showing me this, because it singlehandedly redeemed about 83% of my belief in you.

Blaine Gabbert? Is that you? Who knew you were capable of such things??? Man, get roided-out Brian Cushing all the way the hell up on outta here. This is the type of fire and brimstone we've been looking for out of you. Just start randomly cussing people out, no reasons necessary. Hell, at least if you stink on the field and cuss someone out, then it'll just look like you were having a bad day. Everyone's had a bad day, so give 'em hell in the process.

Hey, man, you're our quarterback. We're behind you, 100%. Slang that pill and make it happen. You got a coach right now that might struggle to help us score points in the playoffs (former Falcons offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey), but he can do a damned good job running an offense. You got a Pro Bowl tight end in Marcedes Lewis along with Blackmon. Hell, MJD might want to start cashing checks, too. Things are looking up.

Plus ... go listen to some Young Jeezy before the game. It does wonders for Jay Bilas, so it couldn't hurt, right? Otherwise, I'm going to have to start hoping that you suck so much that Chad Henne and Carson Palmer's little brother have to play, all in hopes that we can draft USC's Matt Barkley in the 2013 NFL draft. Hell, I can probably call him Sunshine too.

It's your time to shine, Blaine. Let's go.


Ed, a Jaguars fan

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